Dissatisfaction- Selfishness?

Once again I feel like I am in the same place as usual. It is hard for me. I am so dissatisfied with church. I moved here to plant churches or at least a church and since the time we laid that down at the cross I have had a very hard time finding a church for me. So once again this is so blatant in my life. I seriously do not even like to go to church anymore. I am not plugged into a church so I have no community and I am so dissatisfied with it. On one hand I have tried a few places… when discussing this with a friend recently he mentioned maybe I was being selfish. That I was more focused on meeting my needs then doing what God wanted or if I wasn’t being “fed” then is that a reason to leave… This got me thinking. Am I being selfish, is that what this is about? I am just being selfish? I am too interested in hearing the word of God preached from the pulpit without it being watered down by psychological application at every turn. Was it selfish of me to think I wanted more. Was it selfish of me to wonder where God had gone in my life? Was it selfish of me to desire true community and not what I have been experiencing the past few years? Was that being selfish? I mean I have done home groups for these years and I don’t know that we truly spoke about God except in regards to questions/answers. Not how he was moving in our hearts, not for real. Is this because I am getting older and still single? That as singles we tend to be too focused on us and busy in our own lives to have true community? Is that a right of the married and families only? I can’t believe that? Isn’t this the time in our life (singleness) when we can do the most for God? Where is that in the single communities I have experienced? Disclaimer- not everyone in those communities don’t think of God- I am issuing a general statement of my feelings and beliefs.

I mean we have heard it from the preacher- you are not being fed so you leave and have had guilt and shame forced on us to stay in a place where we are not growing. It comes back to us anyway right? Shouldn’t we be able to grow on our own without the pastor/preacher/minister teaching us? Isn’t it up to me to ask God to give me something, even if it is small from those Sunday messages? Am I being selfish when I want more? When I feel like I need more? When I am sad to think of the situation I am in?

Then I started to think more and pray more. I spoke to another friend and asked if she thought it was just selfishness on my part to desire close community and strong messages from the Word of God. I explained the situation and she said No- it was good to be dissatisfied. there are a lot of bogus churches out there.

It has been a year since I have served in some ministry capacity at a church, I feel I minister daily in my teaching of high school and junior high students. But I can’t even seem to find a place to belong.

So I am asking God to reveal Himself to me again, in powerful ways. I know He will. I am asking Him to show me His will for my life. Is it just the turning in my heart for something new that is about to happen? Is it God speaking or am I just too focused on me?
I am asking God Seeking God, Knocking on the door for God.

Sailing the Euterpe

Last night we took all of our 7th graders to the Euterpe. A sailing boat to spend the night. Needless to say I am so tired today! The purpose is “living history” I teach a 7th grade World History class and we discussed the fact that in the 1800s men would become sailors to earn a living, usually when they could not do anything else or had no where to go. It was a common way to earn a living. Our ship the Euterpe was leaving London and we were all men who were to be the crew. So I was Mr.Blankenship and all of my students were called by last names only. We were divided up into different crews, I have to say I really enjoyed my crew. We were the boatswains- in charge of ringing the bells on the ship. Did you know that no one had time pieces so they were all listening to the bells on the ship. They ring every 30 minutes, in pairs so you could hear 1-8 different bells. Sailors would work 4 hours then get a break for 4 hours. So we were the time keepers. Anyway, all the students got to do hands on things, coiling rope, furling the sails, riding the boatswains chair, etc. The kids all did stuff, the tall sailors (adults) just stood back and watched. Plus so much fun singing – we had to learn all kinds of fun songs to do while we worked.. What would you do with a drunken sailor- no one like a drunk on the ship, or Rio Grande, Roll the Chariot, Leave her Johnny . It was great! So fun. However, when it came to night time, I realized quickly I would not want to a) be a sailor or b) live in the 1800s. Not that I needed this demonstration before hand. We had to sleep on the boats floor with sleeping bags only, no pillows and we all had to do 2 hours of night watch. So my crew was lucky enough to go first. I was thankful for that. So we got to do 4 different things on deck while others were sleeping. I was so tired today when we got back. None of us had to go back to school thank goodness. I took a 2 hour nap!

Reflecting on life in the 1800s it made me realize that we really have it made. We are living in such a time as this, running water, comfortable beds, choices galore, I can’t imagine living in a different time like that. waiting for loved ones gone on a ship for months, up to a year even. Plus, in those times, there was no communication like today. Getting word from a loved one was rare. There was no internet, phones from ships, letter writing was the way. A very romantic way even now. But you could hopefully pass a ship heading to your home port and if so they would take letters back for you. Without that your loved ones would have to wait for you on land, praying for your safety. It makes me think of those in the navy today, having to leave their loved ones, months to years. Going to places like Iraq for our freedom. Yet in times past that was the norm. So different than today.

fight until the end

So I am studying the book of Daniel and God is speaking to me. But I was reading through my lesson this week and some things just jumped out. In Daniel 7:25 it talks about how the antichrist will oppress the saints. Oppress literally means “to wear out” as one would wear out a garment. I just think that Satan’s persecutions will reach full measure eventually in the “end times” but he can oppress us even now. Almost always that is tied to a lie, he tries to bind us in knots. One of Satan’s most effective schemes is simply to wear us out. He uses exhaustion and profound discouragement to persuade us to give up opposing him. He may be able to wear out our human strength but not the holy spirit in us… it is just a reminder of how we need to persist in our fight until the end.