Dissatisfaction- Selfishness?

Once again I feel like I am in the same place as usual. It is hard for me. I am so dissatisfied with church. I moved here to plant churches or at least a church and since the time we laid that down at the cross I have had a very hard time finding a church for me. So once again this is so blatant in my life. I seriously do not even like to go to church anymore. I am not plugged into a church so I have no community and I am so dissatisfied with it. On one hand I have tried a few places… when discussing this with a friend recently he mentioned maybe I was being selfish. That I was more focused on meeting my needs then doing what God wanted or if I wasn’t being “fed” then is that a reason to leave… This got me thinking. Am I being selfish, is that what this is about? I am just being selfish? I am too interested in hearing the word of God preached from the pulpit without it being watered down by psychological application at every turn. Was it selfish of me to think I wanted more. Was it selfish of me to wonder where God had gone in my life? Was it selfish of me to desire true community and not what I have been experiencing the past few years? Was that being selfish? I mean I have done home groups for these years and I don’t know that we truly spoke about God except in regards to questions/answers. Not how he was moving in our hearts, not for real. Is this because I am getting older and still single? That as singles we tend to be too focused on us and busy in our own lives to have true community? Is that a right of the married and families only? I can’t believe that? Isn’t this the time in our life (singleness) when we can do the most for God? Where is that in the single communities I have experienced? Disclaimer- not everyone in those communities don’t think of God- I am issuing a general statement of my feelings and beliefs.

I mean we have heard it from the preacher- you are not being fed so you leave and have had guilt and shame forced on us to stay in a place where we are not growing. It comes back to us anyway right? Shouldn’t we be able to grow on our own without the pastor/preacher/minister teaching us? Isn’t it up to me to ask God to give me something, even if it is small from those Sunday messages? Am I being selfish when I want more? When I feel like I need more? When I am sad to think of the situation I am in?

Then I started to think more and pray more. I spoke to another friend and asked if she thought it was just selfishness on my part to desire close community and strong messages from the Word of God. I explained the situation and she said No- it was good to be dissatisfied. there are a lot of bogus churches out there.

It has been a year since I have served in some ministry capacity at a church, I feel I minister daily in my teaching of high school and junior high students. But I can’t even seem to find a place to belong.

So I am asking God to reveal Himself to me again, in powerful ways. I know He will. I am asking Him to show me His will for my life. Is it just the turning in my heart for something new that is about to happen? Is it God speaking or am I just too focused on me?
I am asking God Seeking God, Knocking on the door for God.

fight until the end

So I am studying the book of Daniel and God is speaking to me. But I was reading through my lesson this week and some things just jumped out. In Daniel 7:25 it talks about how the antichrist will oppress the saints. Oppress literally means “to wear out” as one would wear out a garment. I just think that Satan’s persecutions will reach full measure eventually in the “end times” but he can oppress us even now. Almost always that is tied to a lie, he tries to bind us in knots. One of Satan’s most effective schemes is simply to wear us out. He uses exhaustion and profound discouragement to persuade us to give up opposing him. He may be able to wear out our human strength but not the holy spirit in us… it is just a reminder of how we need to persist in our fight until the end.

“The first duty of love is to listen” Paul Tillich

Well as a Christian, when things keep coming at me in the same theme, I know God is trying to tell me something. At times I wish I could just catch on a little faster and get what He is saying sooner than I do.

That is definitely where I am currently in my life. For about the past year I have felt really dissatisfied with church. There have been weeks when I just didn’t go. I know as a Christian that can be taboo but it is the truth. I just felt there had to be more to God than what I was experiencing. I know God loves me and I have the theology behind it all but I was just dissatisfied. I had been praying about going into missions or church planting again but God hasn’t opened those doors yet.

Looking at the situation now, I wonder if I was settling for mediocracy, not only in my own life but in the church when the goal was to try to connect socially. I tend to be a very social person at times. At first I can be very shy, and if I am honest, I don’t share a lot of really deep things with those I don’t know or trust very well. I am just not that girl. However, I had felt the need to be with singles at the same stage of life that I am in. Now, I think maybe I was settling for mediocracy when God wants the Best of us. Not that there is anything wrong with being with people like you. But growth comes from being around those that are different. It is easy to love others like yourself it is much harder to love those that are different. I have always known that in some areas and situations- older and younger etc.

For the past few months my roommate and I have been discussing the fact that we are called to way more than where we are living; and in reality I think that by good “Christian” standards I am living okay. I have a ministry with the girls I work with in cheer, I belong to some Bible studies, I volunteer my time for things etc. But still I know there is more. Well I have been feeling God tug at my heart regarding this and I feel Him speaking even more now. It’s like the wax in my ears was really built up and it’s just starting to break. There is much more to come regarding this I know. I am only at the beginning.

First, I am doing a Bible study on the book of Daniel- it’s a Beth Moore study and I am not kidding when I say it is amazing. Truly it is. I am learning so much about God and how He calls us to Himself. We’ve only just begun but Daniel is called to Nebuchadnezzar’s court because he is seen as the best of his kind. However, even though he was offered overindulgence he asked to abstain and instead asked to be able to follow his God in Babylon. We all know the story but just knowing Daniel wanted more than his circumstances. He wanted more and knew God of Abraham would meet his needs. He was willing to stand up and live in a way that was different than the rest. Am I willing to stand up and live in a truly different way than the rest? Truly different than even what we are getting in the pews on Sundays? There was never a doubt with Daniel. Even when he asked Nebuchadnezzar to give him time to interpret the dream he had. What does God do? He honors Daniel’s prayer and answers it. The thing is Daniel and his friends were not just casually praying, their lives were at stake, they had to be on their knees seeking God persistently for what they needed. Then when it was revealed to Daniel what the dream was the others -his friends- had to trust that he was the one that really had heard from God. Maybe I am not praying the right prayers. That is how God is. He wants to be in our lives like that. Not just going to church on Sunday and sitting in a chair, having starbucks, and trying to be cool.

I am reading a book recommended to me. I had to put it down this week. It was too much. I am going to finish it don’t get me wrong but its speaking directly to my heart in areas that I know God is also trying to speak. Once I have read it I will be held accountable to what I know. Which is why I took the break… It talks about real life Christians, not in the church building but really living out their life for Christ. What does that really look like? I am asking God to show me. He seems to be answering. Most “good” churches talk about getting out into society and being a church without walls but where are people really doing that? I feel at times we are so consumed by our own Babylon that we have not refrained from what God has said no to. We are overindulged in everything myself included.

Church today- I decided to go to a church I went to about 4 years ago and actually attended for a year working with the youth. I left to find a place where socially I would have more opportunities to connect- Don’t get me wrong God may ask us to do that a times in our life, I am just not sure if what I was looking for has really been found. So my roommate and I decided to go back. Guess what the message was on??? It was on us being called to the world, relationship with God first, each other second, and the world third. But really going out and doing it, and in this body they do go out and do. The pastor even allowed the spirit to move stopping a little early and having a word for some of us there. The word was definitely for me. It was about not trusting God. There are some things that it is easy to trust Him with. However, I know I have issues with trusting Him in some other areas. There are times when I really want to trust God with everything but can’t. There are some dreams, desires, and pieces of me that seem to close to my heart to trust to God. So I got prayer for that today. God speaking and breaking the my heart. I don’t know what this means yet but I know God is on the move and I am waiting…listening… seeking…

God of Justice- Move me into action

Okay so I really like Tim Hughes as a worship artist. He is probably one of my favorites. I love how the songs bring me into worship and the lyrics speak to my heart. Lately I have been listening to God of Justice on his latest album. I mean, listening to it over and over on repeat in my car. I do that sometimes, I can listen to music and watch movies over and over and enjoy it. Sometimes I like to know the ending and what is going to happen, since I never seem to know for my own life:-) Anyway, I digress.

 This song is amazing and speaks to my heart over and over again.

The parts that really speaks to me: 

“We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go”

I love that “keep us from just singing”. I think of my life and wonder how often I am moved by lyrics in the moment, or even later in my car but when do I move into action? I am praying about this now with God. God moving me into action, I feel I have been dormant long enough. We are called to “feed the hungry, stand beside the broken, we must go. Fill me up and send me out”. I know this is just the beginning of what God is doing.

Today in my class, I teach 7th grade English (one of many subjects) and we were reading out loud this story of a girl who was a refugee from Nazi Germany. She ended up in a refugee camp here in America after losing her mom and brother. The story is about these two young girls both writing in their diary about life and the interaction they have with each other. I normally read the story to the class (less time) and today when I was reading it from the Jewish girl’s perspective and the injustice she had to deal with I couldn’t keep my eyes from watering. It wasn’t even that great of a story or moving but for some reason I saw her still in the refugee camp in NY, with barbed wire all across the top, and being afraid of what was to come. It made me think of the song.

I know God is trying to speak, I am trying to listen… I know there is more to life then where I am living and I am expecting God to move. Move me into action… I must go.